how to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment ;

[Filter: Thomas]

Has ... has your mother been speaking to you at all, lately, about the wedding? She approached me just now, and I simply wondered ... I thought she would be likely to go to you with all of these suggestions of hers first, I suppose.

I suppose I'm being very silly, right now, but ... it's not far away now, that's all.

[Filter: Private]

... Kerrigan, for a girl.



Lady Jelena speaks of dates, and times. A summer wedding, she asks me, or perhaps an autumn one? Of course she advises summer. She would want to get it done sooner the better. And prevent any more terrible ... accidents. Interruptions to her precious Routine ...

Why can she just not ... leave this to Thomas and I? It's not as though we're incapable of making the decisions on our own. I'm so tired of being treated like a child. If you must cage me, is it too much to ask to be treated like a songbird, and not a girl's dress-up doll?

I don't know what else I can say to her. Smile, and nod, and ... and wish she would stop speaking to me. It's still so difficult, to look her in the eye, and remember ...

... I oughtn't think on this anymore.

[Filter: Caroline]

Ah, Carrie, might I trouble you for a moment? I ... I hate to ask, but I need a bit of help in the kitchens, to finish up Thomas' meal ... I just don't seem to have enough hands to finish the potatoes and work on the dessert at the same time ...

If you're too busy, of course, just tell me so. I'm sure I can manage ...

[Filter: Private]

I am so glad to be back here again, love. How could I not love to be away from those who attempt to truly know me, and return to this gilded cage? It must have been so difficult. Back to your beloved routine, love, where everything is planned for the both of us. You hardly even have to work at it to begin with. I begin to wonder how you ever left it behind, even was it for my sake.

Passing by your mother in the halls, and pretending that I do not grow ill at the very sight of her ... that I don't feel as though I would rather be anyplace else in the world? Why yes, beloved, I am so happy to be home. I do not know how I ever could have left it behind. Even for my own peace of mind.

I suppose it is time we left Bresa. I will be sad to see it go ... I do so enjoy it here. Debby, darling, you must feel free to write me whenever you wish, dear. And Lady Caitlin, you as well, of course ...

It will be so strange to be back in Nallen again. I suppose it's very overdue ... there's still so much to do to prepare for the wedding.

It seems like it's been such a long time since I've written anything. I suppose I have been neglecting this ...

[Filter: Private]

And yet another month has gone by. The time seems to be passing so quickly, here. Almost too quickly... I do hope the next few days slow down so we all can appreciate them better, aha...

[Filter: Thomas]

You do seem to be a little on edge today... would you like to take a walk with me, beloved?

[Filter: Private, Old Dentorian]

You try laying in a bed for months, not knowing whether or not you and your child are going to live or die... and then tell me how far away childhood feels.

I suppose I cannot fault you too much for that, Filly. After all... you were the closest one to her, that was always plain. I suppose I very well could have chosen better words for it, but it truly has been so long. Father's funeral feels so far away, those dark times when everything changed. It all has been darker since then, imagine that.


-- Mmm, but this is so very foolish. A true lady would hardly fuss over such a thing. I am merely agitated over other things. Perhaps some tea with Lady Caitlin will calm me.

[Filter: Lady Caitlin]

Aha, if you aren't too busy, perhaps now is a good time to start thinking of ideas...? I am very much looking forward to this, after all.

[Filter: Private]

I do wish there was a way I could simply wrap up these feelings, and take them with me. How foolish, truly.

If only there was a way to erase that entire mess with Quinn, Caroline, and Philippa ... it is obvious that Thomas is still having trouble, even with the overwhelming hospitality. I do not know what more I could say... but as long as he is trying not to let it affect the trip, then perhaps it will be fine, after all.

Wishes are silly things, truly, when all you have is the here and now. I wonder, too, how much longer I will have to trust in this. It did not save Kerrigan, after all... but there are other things to think of.

[Filter: Debby]

Hmm, you know, it feels as if I've hardly spent any time with you lately...~ we've been so busy with the painting, and you've been playing most of the time.

[Filter: Private, in Old Dentorian]

This is good. This is very good. I feel so wonderful here, so light and ... refreshed, even. I need to do my best to cherish the time here, for once it's gone... it may be a long time again before we have the opportunity.

Bresa is... so warm, and bright, especially compared to Nallen. Even though some things do seem to be odd, at times. A tenseness, in the air...? I wonder what it could be about.

Lady Caitlin does seem the same as ever, even though... we've both experienced rather trying years, haven't we? Mother would say the only way to recover from those is gracefully, aha, but she's certainly been more successful than I. Truly a remarkable woman.

[Filter: Lady Caitlin]

Every day here has certainly been quite enjoyable here, aha...~ I feel like I should be thanking you more often for the invitation, truly...