how to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment ;

[Filter: Private]

At least ... at the very least, it leaves me some time to think.

I imagine Jelena knows. What goes on in this house that she does not immediately know? The woman has no respect for anyone else's privacy. How could she, when it might upset her delecate balance, her schedules, her Routine. Dragons forbid any of us should break that. The world would never be the same.

At least she does not ask about it. At least she only gives me looks, Pitying. How absolutely predictable. I'm hardly surprised. I oughtn't even be angry, because perhaps I do deserve the pity, even if I don't wish for it.

And Thomas.

Oh, Thomas, love, where do I even begin.

What does he want me to tell him, exactly? It will all be all right, love. Everything will be fine, love. I understand, love. Please, love, don't feel so ashamed. Every time he wishes to talk I know it's going to be the same, fishing those silly meaningless reassurances out of me. How very like him. It is a wonder how any man in Dentoria holds any power, if all of them need the constant soothing that he does.

I oughtn't be angry. This is the greatest life I could wish for. I am wed to a man who treasures me above anything else. I want for nothing. I will be the Lady of Nallen once Lord Horace and Lady Jelena have passed.

What else could I ever wish for. I oughtn't be angry in the least.

[Filter: Caroline]

Carrie ...

I know yesterday must have been hard for you. It would have been hard for me, in your place. I'm still so sorry that this had to happen to you. I don't suppose I can do anything to help you? I ... know it's a delicate situation, but ...

I'm only sorry that I was so busy yesterday cooking for Thomas that I couldn't help you then. But I thought surely I could do something today ...

[Filter: Caroline]

Carrie ...

Carrie, you don't have to tell me what's happened. I know you must be tired of everyone asking, when it's something you don't want to share ... whatever it may be. I don't want to force you to talk about something that I can tell you're not ready to ...

But I thought that perhaps, you might be willing to take tea with me today, again. Just ... just for the sake of idle conversation with someone who won't press you to talk about what has you so upset. I -- I am worried for you, Carrie, make no mistake, but ... but I know that sometimes the last thing you want to do is talk about it. I understand that, and I thought ...

I -- I wanted to help you, if I could.

[Filter: Private]

How much longer is this going to go on?

What can I say to him? I can't ask him about it. Step over that line, cross that boundary ... he would never offer me an answer. I would not expect him to. I wouldn't deserve one. It's not something I can just come out and ...

But how much longer, love, will you be unable to even look at me without flinching? How much longer are we going to perform this ... meaningless, pointless little ritual.

What is there I could do to stop it? Nothing.

[Filter: Private]

No, love. Of course, love. It's natural, love. I would never think any less of you, love. It'll come in its own time, love.

Why can you not even look at me now, love, when before all of this it seemed like you could never stop?

Please, love, don't worry yourself so much. I can be patient, love. I can wait forever and a day, love, if that is how long it takes. It isn't as though I am about to go anywhere.

[Filter: Private]

.... it's only a few more hours now.

I ...

Dragons, there's no going back. After all this time, I'll be married. In a few more hours.

If --

I

I don't know what to do. What if -- I can't get my thoughts in line. If -- I --

Dragons, give me strength. I -- I can't. I can't.

[Filter: Private]

Only a bit more than a month, now ...

The guests will start arriving soon, won't they? I have ... I need to be presentable before they come. I need to have everything ready, so I can entertain them during the day ... so I can make sure everything is looked after. I suppose ... I suppose Lady Jelena will do her best to make them feel at home, but I ought to take some responsibility for that as well. It's my wedding, after all ...

... I wish that Kerrigan could have

I'm being so fooli

[Filter: Married Women]

Is it ... is it so natural, to be so anxious for your wedding? I've been dreaming about it almost every night ... having nightmares that I've forgotten something. Or that my dress tears, or ... it's all very embarrassing business, but ...

It's only a month to my wedding, now. I know I oughtn't be so nervous when there's still so much time left, but ... I need everything to be perfect.

[Filter: Private]

And with every day that passes, more and more of it falls out of my hands.

Is this how every woman feels, when they wed? Watching the things they thought were theirs slip away forever? Watching themselves lose the things they had some semblance of control over ...

How much worse will it be, when Thomas and I are married?

I can't speak to him about this. He would never understand ... he would simply think I was being silly, and shallow. He can't understand how much ... how this is the thing I was bred for, all of my life, and now even it isn't in my control.

He could never understand that.

[Filter: Private]

Ah, I -- at least Carrie helped me find the lists. Now I just ... have to finish all the invitations, and send them out. It won't be so terrible. I can have it done by the end of the month, which should be just enough time ...

It won't hurt to stay up a bit tonight, to make sure it all gets finished. There's still so much left to do ... I can rest more later.

It's ... remarkable, how much there is to do for the wedding, even though it's still so far away. The cooks today asked me if we had yet decided on the dishes we would serve, though it's only May. I suppose they want to make sure we won't need any exotic ingredients that would require sending for, but all the same ...

Ah, we need to begin sending out the invitations, as well. There's so much to do, and I know I ought make a list, but ... I suppose it seems like I still should have time to put everything off, though in my heart I know better. It simply never seems as though there's that much to plan until the planning actually begins ...

Ah, I sound so very pessimistic, don't I? I suppose I'm simply overwhelmed. It's so very much to do ....